List: What To Do If You’re a Hollywood Man Accused of Sexual Harassment or Assault
Relax! You’re going to be fine.
Just ignore it and it will probably go away. The silence of other men will protect you.
Deny everything. Things were different “back then” and so much time has passed. It was probably some awards show or party and you had too much to drink. Maybe it was a joke that went too far. You don’t remember, and if you don’t remember then it wasn’t that important right? But the feminists have the whole world screaming about “accountability” and “taking responsibility”, so not remembering does more harm than good right now. Best to take a hard line. You’re never less responsible than when you didn’t do something.
Start writing checks. All men in your position know that silence costs money. It’s an unfortunate reality of power. Thankfully, you’ve got enough money to buy silence on your terms. Remember: this is a transaction, not a favor. In order to ensure that you get your money’s worth, be sure that any settlement checks are accompanied by strict non-disclosure agreements. Your accuser should not feel free to say your name above a whisper without penalty. Unless, of course, they want to thank you and sing your praises for all you’ve done to make their career a success. Or recant their accusations.
Spend time with your family. This is just a small hiccup in the careful management of your public persona. It means nothing. But family means everything, and everyone loves families. So make sure you post plenty of pics of you with your family doing “family things” like walking to an SUV with your bodyguard and assistants, taking red carpet photos at one of your film premieres under the watchful gaze of your bodyguards and assistants, and of course vacationing in Europe surrounded by your bodyguards and assistants.
Slander and shame your accuser. Now that you’ve bought their silence in perpetuity and taken a picturesque European vacation with your family, it’s time to rehabilitate your reputation. You can leave the more salacious work of combing social media profiles for slut shaming photos and interviewing alleged friends and lovers of your accuser to your publicity and legal teams, they’re much more suited for that sort of thing. You just concentrate on making your rounds with the late night guys. An awkward self-deprecating joke, a sobering remark about how hard this was on your family, and a plug for your new project should do it. But if you really want to turn a negative into a positive, a little dramatic revelation would shift the tide of public opinion back in your favor pretty quickly. Think: “I was so depressed, I contemplated suicide”, “I drank heavily/took drugs to numb the pain”, or “I realized I could no longer hide my truth-I’m gay”.
It’s over. Congratulate yourself with two scoops of ice cream to everyone else’s one for making it through it unscathed.
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